Thy Will Be Done, or My Will Be Done?

"Well.... I'm torn tonight. I finally talked to mom tonight. She apologized for everything that happened Sunday regarding the trip. We are going to revisit the trip issue in a week. I'm really scared that God is going to say no to this opportunity. Have I been praying a void prayer this whole time? What if I really don't want God's will for me? What if I only want God's will for me as long as it lines up with I want?"
--Prayer Journal Entry from September 27, 2012

Thy Will Be Done. I've prayed this everyday for about a month now; I end every journal entry with it, I end every prayer with it, I begin every day by praying it, and it never occurred to me until last night that I haven't really been meaning what I pray. As I discussed going on a mission trip for two months to India and Nepal with my parents, it occurred to me that I could very well be confusing God's voice for my own. I began to ask myself questions like "What if I really don't want God's will to be done?", "What if I don't want to do what He wants me to do?", and "What if I'm not willing to accept God's plan for my life?".

I began thinking about how badly I wanted to go on this mission. That's the problem. I was thinking about how badly I wanted to go on this mission, not how badly GOD wanted me to go on this mission. I thought about how amazing it would be, how many lives He could impact through me. I mean God wants me to go and spread the Gospel unto all the nations, so there is no way that I can mess this one up right? Wrong. It never occurred to me that maybe my mission field is here, at home. Sure the trip would be fruitful for the kingdom of God, but not necessarily for me.

It scared me to think that God might want me to stay home this summer. To me, it is so much harder and scarier to stay home and minister to my friends, than it is to go across the globe and minister on the streets to complete strangers. Afterall, they all need Jesus more right? Wrong again. They all need Jesus equally, regardless of where they live. If I'm being honest, I need Jesus just as much as those that are lost, if not more. There is just something about staying home and ministering to people that I know that shakes me to the core with fear. 

Through hours of prayer and questioning, I recognized that regardless of how scared I may be, it is still God's plan, and He is going to take care of me. As amazing as India and Nepal may be, God can do just as amazing things here, in little ole' Palmer, Alaska. Now, I'm not saying that my mind is made up. I still have a lot of praying to do before I make this decision, and I firmly believe that God will make it happen, if this is what He wants to happen. I am saying that I have prepared my heart to accept the fact that it might not be what God wants. But I have an overwhelming peace over the entire situation, and I can honestly say now that I am willing to do what GOD wants me to do, not what CASSIDY wants me to do.

With that said, for the first time in my life I pray this prayer with my entire heart and being,

"THY WILL BE DONE LORD".